Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
