my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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