So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
