i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
