I showed him my bush... on skype.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
