some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I will be naked everywhere
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
