I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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