My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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