Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
