I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
