Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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