Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
honey bunches of taint.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
