no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
