i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
