Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
