First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
