You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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