Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
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