my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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