Old men and throwing up are my life now.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize