you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
