So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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