awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
