Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
