Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
In America we eat man semen.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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