oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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