Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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