By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
