Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
