Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
