Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
