wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
