The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
