I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Houston, we have a squirter
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
