she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
tonight lets celebrate not being married
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
