In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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