my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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