Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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