I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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