my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
