i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
