his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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