omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
