Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
