Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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