Cold hands, warm shart.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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