New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just want to make out with him forever
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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