The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize