You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
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And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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