I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
