I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
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Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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