dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize