Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
