I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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