so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
