im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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