Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
