There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
