Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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